Things I love, things I hate

about this fellowship go hand in hand.

I love travelling. I love meeting new people.
I hate leaving. I hate goodbyes.

Let's back up. I left auckland after an amazing night. I had the absolute priviledge to perform a feature set (about 30 min) to the most polite crowd I've ever seen. I mean, I almost stopped halfway through because they were so quiet, I thought I was boring them. But they urged me to keep going, which was so great.

It's funny how things seem to just fall into place on this trip. I mean, I originally was going to New Zealand just to take a break from Australia, to renew my ETA so I could stay for the Night Words Festival. But I was so incredibly blessed to meet such incredible people there: Renee Liang, Christian Jenson, Murray and all the other poets in Auckland seemed to welcome me with such gracious and open arms; Jade who was initially pressured into hanging out with me courtesy of Chandra, but then became inspired by the poetry and I think he's now one of us too; the Marks family who were kind enough to let a perfect stranger stay in their house for almost 2 weeks, Nate who directed a lost little poet through the streets of Newtown and Wellington and taught her about Maori culture and all the wonderful people who I'm forgetting to mention at the moment, you know who you are. It hurt to leave all these gracious people behind, it hurt so much that I still haven't really thought about it until right now.

So now I'm back in Australia. I'm not going to lie, I was initially really hesitant about ocming back. Melbourne and New Zealand put me in such an improved mood and state of mind, I was afraid that by returning to the scene of my somewhat existential crisis, I'd be sucked back into the vortex of despair etc etc. But it hasn't been the case thus far. I stepped off the plane and thought about something Renee said to me before I left. She said I'd be fine once I was in the CBD of Sydney, and everything would be cool again. And that's when it hit me: while I was staying here, I really only hung out with people in certain areas of sydney... there is an entire other part of this city that I haven't seen! and if I am strong enough to just show up in 3 cities (Wellington, Auckland and Melbourne) for a few days and so quickly meet so many amazing people, heck, why couldn't that happen in Sydney? And so as I rode in the cab on the way back to Bondi, a wave of revitalized "Jess"-ness washed over me. Let's do this again. The proper way. Let's try to find the real Sydney. And stop being so freaking nice all the time. At which point the cab driver made a snarky comment about my ability to give directions and I pretty much dished it back to him. What can I say, he was being rude and he caught me in a pensive moment. Bad luck.

And thus far it's working. I spent all day yesterday in a completely new part of town with some new people. It's also helped that some of the poets from Melbourne are up for the Night Words festival this weekend, so it's like all the best things I loved about Australia in one place!

I'm really looking forwards to the festival (which starts tonight and goes for 3 days). And on Sunday I have tickets to Cat Power (love her!) in Newtown. I'm super excited for that too.

It's weird though, to think this time next week I'll be in Europe. It's weird and sad. As much as I know I need to move on, and as much as my instincts are pushing me to leave (and trust me, I'm ready to leave) I'll always have a little tug in my heart for Australia. And I'll always want to come back to New Zealand too, because really 2 weeks is long enough to start to love a place, but not really know it.

And in that way, I feel like I'm really lucky too. Because most people would spend 2 weeks at touristy places, museums, taking ferry rides and hitting all the traps. I don't have time for that stuff. I spend my 2 weeks in tiny bars or cafes, talking to real people (or poets). I feel like I get a crash course in culture, society and poetry all rolled into one package. Poets see the world so differently than most people, so I feel like I get to experience a part of the country that most people never get to see, unless they live there for a long period of time. It's like there are no formalities, I just jump right under the skin of the city and somewhat messily try to figure it out.

I get to see the dirty, raw, dramatic aspects of the culture. I get to hear about the poetic gossip of the city. It's incredible stuff. It's also what makes the goodbye so much harder.