sometimes i obsess over things i don't say

Maybe I didn’t listen hard enough when they warned me about free time. There’s so much free time on this trip. No matter how many contacts you make, emails you write, poems you revise, tapes you review, there are still these moments when you find yourself all alone, in dead silence. I am sitting in an empty room at a friend’s house in Glebe, a suburb of Sydney. My bags are packed, my phone is charged, all my flight information is written in my notepad. And I am sad to leave sydney (we’ll get to that in a bit) but I can’t help but think about a conversation I had a few nights ago at a bar.

I hate goodbyes, particularly dramatic ones. I prefer to escape a country in the early hours of the morning, when I don’t have time to wallow and say goodbye. Like it’s all part of dream and when I wake I’ll be somewhere new, maybe where the cars will drive on the other side of the road and the people talk quickly and emphatically in a language I don’t speak.

But not this time, and I knew that. My flight leaves in the afternoon. Giving me all morning to reflect. But as I said before, I hate dramatic goodbyes, and so I decided to throw a party in honor of Jack Kerouac’s birthday (March 11) and sllightly mention my own departure (March 13). I invited some of the people I’ve met while I’ve been here, and like I always seem to do, I got myself involved in a deep, somewhat inebriated (I wasn’t, they were) discussion about feminism.

I bit my tongue that night. And now, looking back on it, it angers me a little that I was afraid to stand up for my beliefs. And in the solitude of this morning, questions seem to come back to haunt me, challenging my “friendly neighborhood feminist” position that I so often take in the presence of men, so as to not scare or offend them.

But why is it that I tiptoe around an issue that affects the majority of people on this planet? Yes, that’s right, the majority of people on this planet are women. Why must we act like a minority? Why is it, then, that talk of issues that affect the majority are kept to a minimum, and I must explain myself, “No, I’m not that kind of feminist. I don’t hate men”

Don’t hate men? Well, that’s a generalization. I do hate certain men. So do most women. I hate the kind of men that sit at a bar table, next to their girlfriends, checking out the waitress and saying “She’s pretty hot, isn’t she? Could use to lose a few pounds though” etc etc. I hate the kind of men that say “I hate it how women always ‘cry rape’ because it gives them too much power.” Yes, those kinds of men, I do certainly hate.

And what do I mean exactly when I say I’m “not that kind of feminist”. What kind of feminist am I? It’s true, I hate using the term because it has been bastardized over the years by popular culture. Feminists have always been considered fat, ugly, militant women that become lesbians soley because they “can’t land a guy” and other ridiculous stereotypes that are so far from the truth it’s inconcievable how they even were created. But that’s not why I hesitate to use the label. I hesitate because to me, it’s redundant to being a woman.

It’s logical, really. Why wouldn’t I be concerned for the health and safety of women when so many female university students are assaulted and/or raped? Why wouldn’t I be at least a little angered by the way we are expected to prance around and act stupid so we don’t “intimidate” men by being too smart? Why wouldn’t I be upset when I see dolls made for little girls that have unrealistic proportions, or when I see teenagers idolizing film stars and pop stars who are obviously coked out, anorexic and depressed.

Even from the “might equals right” standpoint (which I loathe) the feminist argument holds up. Why is it that the majority is obeying laws not only created by the minority, but also laws that actively hurt and danger the rigths of the majority? And why is it that when the majority tries to speak out against such blatant injustice, the minority brushes it off with a “oh don’t be such a man-hating feminazi”. Why is it that we judge the majority based off of the standards set by the minority (ie women are too sensitve… well why isn’t it that men have emotional issues? Women have boundary issues… why isn’t it that men have commitment issues? Women are irrational… why isn’t it that men can’t think outside the box? Each are equally as offensive, but we always act as if the women are the abnormality. But even from a scientific perspective, an abnormality is something that strays from the norm… and the norm is set by the average behavior, usually influenced by the majority. Therefore, if women (the majority) are acting a certain way, it should be men (the minority) who are criticized and analyzed for being different)

But most of all, why is it that I, a university educated woman with a bachelor’s degree in psychology, who can speak two languages fluently, and is brave enough to travel the world alone is too afraid to be intellegent and logical around a few guys who are being offensive to her sex over a few beers?

To be honest, I’m tired of hiding behind this “friendly feminist” exterior. Something I’ve noticed while traveling is that you have to give cultural differences some space, even if they are offensive. I may be completely off here, but I think feminism is a bit behind here in australia. I’ve mentioned it before, and previously wrote it off as a “well, sucks for them but who am I to say they’re wrong”. Kind of like the same way I just accepted the fact that australians don’t like to think about the “american” perspective when listening to poetry ( I was pushing it enough by even getting up there with ny yankee accent, so it’s best to avoid topics about the US altogether). But I think a place like australia, particularly sydney could use a wake up call when it comes to issues that make them uncomfortable. It’s such a culture based off of being comfortable, of not extending oneself or pushing oneself. Its about knocking eachother down to size, not because they are competative, but simply because they are afraid of competition. In that way it is so incredibly different than the states. Complacency is something I’ve never been good at. If there’s a button to be pressed I press it. And so I wonder if I have done myself an injustice by altering my personality to suit the comforts of others. Where do you draw the line? Should I have defended more ferverently a woman’s right to say no? Should I have stuck up for that waitress, told that guy to shut the hell up and that he could use to lose a few pounds too? Should I have quoted the feminist philosoophers of the past ( a term which tends to make boys giggle- feminist philosophy? How ridiculous, we all know women aren’t rational creatures… etc etc) Should I have cited Susan B Anthony “Men want equality and nothing more. Women want equality and nothing less.” Should I have told them to put that in their pipe and smoke it? It was the fear of sounding not only too feminist, but too american, that stopped me from interjecting. A fear that is ridiculous, at its core, of course because those are two things about myself which I did not choose. I did not choose to be a woman (and therefore a feminist) and I certainly did not choose to be american.

But strangely, after being away from home for so long, I’ve realized that I’m glad I am both those things. There is so much anti-americanism in this world. The criticisms are always the same- apparently we’re all dumb, ignorant, prejudiced, fat, lazy, competative, pro-war, pro-guns, pro-violence, nationalistic, money obsessed, self absorbed, assholes. But the irony, of course, is that these statements are usualy coming from people who exhibit at least half of those aforementioned qualities. Because to say “all people from country X are this way”, especially when country X is as massive and diverse as the US, is a dumb, ignorant, prejudiced, nationalistic, self absorbed thing to say.

These are also usually the people who say they hate all feminists, and check out other women in front of their girlfriends.

And for as frustrated as it makes me, I feel like maybe it is my obligation as an educated, non-violent American woman with broad horizons, and few explicit prejudices, it could be my responsibility to disprove such notions about my country. Certainly, bad people exist, but it’s not restricted to americans. I’ve met more prejudiced, racist, sexist, homophobic australians in Sydney alone than in New York City. But I’ve also met some wonderful people here, and I’ve met wonderful people in the states. So maybe it’s not restricted to nationality- maybe there are some ignorant people in every country (duh). I don’t want to be, by any means, a spokesperson or an embassador or some sort for all americans. Because I don’t represent all americans. America is a contradictory nation. And that’s what I love about it. The fact that a place so diverse with so many contradicting laws, views and people can still somehow magically stay together is amazing ( I say it’s superglue). But I could never represent all that. I can only represent myself and when someone says in that ridiculously patronizing tone “Oh we’ve met a smart american” I can only say “You should actually go to the states sometime. You might be surprised how many smart americans you’d find..”