Contradictions and goodbyes

He wanted to know what my favorite part about living in Mexico was.
I didn't really know how to answer him. Part of me loves the time I spent there. The other part of me... well.. wanted something different.
But that's just the thing. That's just what I found so interesting about living there. Not only could I examine the interesting dual nature of Mexican culture, it also forced me to look introspectively about the dual nature of myself.
I know it sounds kind of trite. I'm aware of the ways that travelling always forces us to reevaluate ourselves. But at the same time, there's this incredible contradiction within myself that i've been struggling with for almost my entire life: my simultaneous love of people and performance, and my overwhelming sense of social anxiety. I think it's a secret contradicition, that I've been working quite well to hide. When I wrote about it in my grant proposal, almost everyone who proofread responded with a bit of surprise... "you? you're not shy." Ohh but I am. I'm just really good at acting like I'm not.
And so this project is doing more than just helping me examine spoken word poetry in different societies. It's helping me examine myself within the context of different cultures as well. And in that way, I'm so so glad, in the end, that I choose to go to Mexico so early in my trip. Having to face a completely different culture, and a completely different language is exactly what I needed to snap me back into shape.
I think that's also why I like poets and performers so much. I like to see how other people deal with those two aspects of their lives: poets, typically being thoughtful, artistic introverts, and performers, typically being extroverted and adventurous. And I, even moreso: a shy introverted poet decides to pack it all up and travel the world. By herself. I don't know why I do these things to myself sometimes. Probably for the stories. :)
He told me that the beauty of living the way I have been is that I can become whoever I see fit. Not to be fake, mind you, just to learn from previous adventures and countries, and then make small adjustments as I move on.
Not that I'm cured or anything. But I'm working on it.

Anyway, so al final, i'm quite sad to leave mexico behind. it didn't really hit me until the day before I left how attached I had grown to Cuernavaca. Not necessarily the place, of course, but the people. The incredible people I've met. And I only wish that I could've stayed longer, just so I could really communicate with them. Spanish is one of those languages for me that just literally enchants me. It comes back slowly, in waves. It's frustrating, at times, especially to think about where I was 2 years ago when I lived in Spain, the conversations I had with people there... if only I could repeat those in Mexico with my new friends. If only we could communicate on that level, I'd be fascinated to know what they thought.
And so I leave another country, with a listfull of friends and a bit of sadness. And another thought in the back of my mind, a question that I now know will plague me for this entire year: Could I, would I, go back there to live?